She couldn’t have been more than two years old and yet here was this precious child standing up for me. This beautiful perfect child using her two year old bossy, I’m in charge voice, speaking out against her dad’s fist on her mom’s face. That day changed everything.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men is a victim of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner during their lifetime. When it was happening to me, I remember thinking that if I were smarter, sweeter, kinder, richer, less bothersome, this might not be happening. It is not uncommon for the abused person to take the blame, nor is it uncommon for the abused to be fearful of life without the abuser.
The beatings had started when we were dating. I thought, he must have had too much to drink. One of the worst beatings was when our daughter was three days old. But I couldn’t imagine being a single mom and so when the police officer asked me what he should do, I turned away and cried. A million thoughts ran through my head. His family was all there, one of them had called the cops. But would they forgive me if I said to take him away? I also couldn’t imagine being a single mom. She was just born. How would I manage?
Two year later, hearing her yell “Daddy, please stop hitting Mommy” got me to pay attention. That was the moment I knew I had to leave. The moment I got the courage to finally say enough was enough. If I couldn’t do it for me, I had to do it for her.
Leaving was both the hardest and best thing I did. I was deeply ashamed and wanted to hide what I believed to be my problem. I wasn’t taking into consideration that it impacted my family, my friends, my work, and health. It took months and months of not giving in to my desire to try again, or belief that maybe next time would be different. He constantly showed up at my place of work and my parents home begging, screaming, banging doors, demanding I speak with him. The louder he yelled, the quicker I would cave. It took me months to realize I had to stay away, that I could do it on my own and that it was not going to change. It took even longer to separate my heart from him. Everything in me didn’t want to belief that our “love” was beyond mending. But every time I recalled the sound of my daughter telling her dad to stop, I knew I had to keep moving forward. That there was no turning back.
My life took many twists and turns since then. I would like to say that from then on it was uphill, but it wasn’t. It was hell. And yet, there has been profound joy in my life too. That feisty, brave two year old is about to turn 40 next month. She’s a brilliant woman, mother and wife, married to a sweet gentle man who is both an incredible dad and husband. I married one of the finest men I’ve ever met. I count my blessings regularly.
If there’s someone out there who is struggling, I implore you to seek help, to take a leap of faith and trust that you won’t always feel this way. Know that your tears and fears will be replaced with peace and a trust in your own strength to get through this. You have a right to be happy and you have a right to feel safe and secure. It may be terrifying at first, but one day you will be completely free. You don’t have to suffer anymore.
If you or someone you know needs help:
Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Or, online go to DomesticShelters.org